By YENA SEO, THE SYDNEY MORNING HERALD
The Cabinet of the Kurdistan Regional Government received a crisis update that the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) had invaded the region and city of al-Shirqat, a disputed area close to the Kurdish Regional Government. It had been discovered that the ISIS fighters had consumed chocolate bars filled with steroids, which increased their strength and ability and allowed them to effectively fight off Iraqi defense forces.
Many cabinet members immediately accused Abdul Karim Sultan Sinjari, the Minister of Interior, who owns and operates all of the chocolate factories for the Kurdish government, of treason and collaborating with ISIS fighters. Sinjari has declared himself the “Chocolate Emperor.”
“I think that the Minister of Natural Resources has a rival for the worst person in the room,” Deputy Prime Minister Qubad Talabani said. “We have a directive that ceases production of all Kurdish government [chocolate].”
Many others were in agreement with Talabani, stating that all chocolate factories should be destroyed so that the committee could continue to fight against ISIS attackers.
“The Chocolate Emperor must be removed from his chocolate throne, but the existence of potential chocolate bombs is not at the same threat of ISIS,” Head of Peshmerga Affairs Mustafa Sayid Qadir said. “We should destroy all of the chocolate factories and ban them once and for all.”
Sinjari defended himself against the accusations, explaining that the steroid-filled chocolate bars had been manufactured for economic purposes and were not intended to be acquired by ISIS troops.
“I have been making these bars, but I have been only selling them to the Chinese, and Xi Jinping uses it in his workout regimens,” Sinjari said. “This was a mistake, ISIS was not supposed to get these bars, but if we know that ISIS loves my chocolate, we could fill it with poison and kill them.”
Several members of the cabinet questioned Sinjari’s motives, however, raising the opinion that buying cocoa from Switzerland to produce chocolate did not make economic sense and was highly suspicious.
Other members argued that the discussion was too focused on chocolate bars and needed to address the larger issue.
“We have been discussing trivial matters of chocolate for too long,” Vice President of the Kurdish Regional Government Kosra Rasil Ali said. “We are fighting ISIS, not chocolate.”